


Five Times Stephen’s Hands Trembled and One Time They Were Steady

by Descaladumidera



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1, A lot - Freeform, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Character Death, F/M, Like, M/M, Pain, Stephen cries, Tony is in pain, they are both suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 02:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Descaladumidera/pseuds/Descaladumidera
Summary: How Stephen hated it, how he hated it to watch Tony suffer. And wasn’t it peculiar, how he had becomeTonyinstead ofStark? Just because Stephen had watched future after future after future. And in each single one Tony had been nothing but good, had been nothing but self-sacrificing in order to save everyone. It hurt Stephen deep inside to see the pain of failure on the man’s face, to see the barely suppressed tears and the self-hatred. To see thewhy couldn’t I be betteretched into those expressive eyes.





	Five Times Stephen’s Hands Trembled and One Time They Were Steady

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the IronStrange Bingo, square "You."

**1.**

He was barely conscious, but he saw Thanos lunging for Tony nonetheless, part of the armour in his hand, sharp as a knife. And he brought it down, stabbing Tony right in the abdomen. Stephen could see the shock and pain on the man’s face, could see the disbelief of losing. And the quiet acceptance that he would die here, on an alien planet, surrounded by war and fear—and strangers.

Stephen wanted to scream, wanted to prevent it, but he couldn’t. It needed to happen. This timeline had to happen in order for the universe to be safe. In the end, at least. For now they would lose.

_We have to lose the fight to win the war._

How Stephen hated it, how he hated it to watch Tony suffer. And wasn’t it peculiar, how he had become _Tony_ instead of _Stark_? Just because Stephen had watched future after future after future. And in each single one Tony had been nothing but good, had been nothing but self-sacrificing in order to save everyone. It hurt Stephen deep inside to see the pain of failure on the man’s face, to see the barely suppressed tears and the self-hatred. To see the _why couldn’t I be better_ etched into those expressive eyes.

And he hated how he had enjoyed every single future where they had become friends, had worked together as colleagues, had, at some point, become lovers. Not in this future, though. This one had ended before Tony even got to know him, had ended with their victory. And that was all Stephen needed in order to execute it.

Maybe, just maybe, he had fallen in love with the man over those 14,000,605 futures. Maybe. But it wasn’t about him. His own happiness had to take a step back.

And so he plucked the Time Stone from the sky, where he had hidden it among the stars and offered it to Thanos. Like a big, romantic gesture. _I got a star for you from the sky, Tony. I hope you can forgive me._

“Spare his life and I will give you the stone.” His hand trembled, holding the Time Stone, but his voice was steady. Thanos took it and left for earth, the Mind Stone the last thing he needed in order to fulfil his plan.

When the people around him started to vanish, Stephen cried.

  


**2.**

Stephen came back with a gasp. The pains and aches from the fight against Thanos still present, even if it had been five years. Five years, but the Avengers had done it. They had brought them back. Stephen had to fight the smile threatening to overtake his features. He could allow himself to smile once they had won.

With determination he gathered the Guardians and Peter around him. The fight hadn’t ended yet. They needed to get back to earth in order for the one future to become true.

“It has been five years. We need to hurry—they need us.” He didn’t offer any more explanation as they didn’t have time. While the others had gathered around him, he had sent out a message over the astral plane, reaching out to every individual that could hear him, telling them to fight. Hopefully they would follow his call.

They did. Stephen might have been the first one to open a portal back to earth to join the fight against Thanos, but others soon followed. Portal after portal appeared, not only from sorcerers from earth, but from around the universe. Nobody was happy with Thanos at all, except for his minions.

The fight was gruesome, a war if Stephen had ever seen one. Nothing compared to Dormammu and the Dark Dimension, or their first fight against Thanos on Titan. This was a race with time for the gauntlet the Avengers had built, adorned with the Infinity Stones. And Thanos couldn’t get it. He just couldn’t.

But he did.

While Stephen tried to control the vast amounts of water threatening to drown them all, Thanos got a hold of the gauntlet, putting it over his enormous hand, ready to snap his fingers—again. But they were still in the right branch of the future Stephen had seen, little things playing out differently, but that was okay. Tony was there. He would get the gauntlet. And he would snap his fingers. That had been one of the outcomes of this branch Stephen had seen and he dreaded it. He outright hated it.

Because Tony didn’t deserve this ending. He deserved to be happy, to live with the family he had built over the last five years, to kiss Pepper and play with his daughter. But none of that would happen and Stephen was close to jumping in and taking the gauntlet himself. He knew it would be futile, he wouldn’t be able to snap his fingers, damaged as his hands were.

And so held up one terribly trembling finger, not being able to steady his hand, when Tony looked over at him. One chance. The future of the whole universe depended on one man.

Tony understood, grappling with Thanos, and Stephen knew he would simply use his suit to snatch the stones away, to reform it to a gauntlet to house them. He couldn’t watch, oh god, he couldn’t. But he made himself keep an eye on Thanos and Tony, because he didn’t deserve to just look away. He deserved to witness the heartbreak he caused. His one future. It was all his fault.

When Thanos finally snapped his fingers, nothing happened. Because Tony did it, Stephen realised. He got the stones. Dread settled in his stomach for what would come next, for the inevitable death of one of the best men Stephen had ever known. It hurt.

But that wasn’t what happened. It was in a blink of an eye that Pepper swept down and took the gauntlet off of Tony, who was far too exhausted. But his eyes said it all, pleading and filling with tears, his mouth moving in an inaudible _nononononono_ as Pepper donned the gauntlet herself. Her smile was bittersweet when she snapped her fingers.

And Thanos was gone. Stephen cried.

  


**3.**

The funeral was a small affair, held at the Stark’s lakeside house. Morgan, Tony’s daughter as Stephen learned, was clinging to her fathers leg, not really knowing what was going on. Her mother was gone and not coming back. Tony had explained it to her a few moments earlier and Stephen felt bad for eavesdropping. He shouldn’t even be here. It was all his fault, all the heartbreak he had caused. It was on him that this little, bright girl would grow up without a mother. It was on him that Tony would have to live without the love of his life.

He shouldn’t be here, but at the same time he should. Because he should witness what he had caused, should see the destruction his path to the future had left behind. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t allow himself to just fall apart. He wasn’t allowed to grieve for a woman he barely knew. Not if he was responsible for her death.

The funeral was quiet and sombre, everything Pepper wouldn’t have wanted as Tony told him, tears running down his sunken face. Stephen had seen the man cry many times while he had looked at different futures. But this was the most heartbreaking one. It ripped Stephen’s heart in two and it took him so much strength to keep it together.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice hoarse, rough from disuse. He hadn’t talked since the fight, hadn’t even said a word to Wong who had hovered around him, obviously concerned. But Stephen didn’t deserve concern. He deserved solitude, so he would never hurt anyone ever again. Not like Tony. Not like Morgan. Oh, the poor child. What had he done?

Tony didn’t say anything to his apology, only turned around and watched the flowers drift down to the middle of the lake. And he was right to do so. He shouldn’t forgive Stephen. Nobody should. This was all his fault.

Stephen turned around and went to the back of the small crowd, consisting of friends and family. He was none of that, had barely known Tony for a few hours at all. The futures he had seen didn’t count as he was the only one being able to call upon them. He was the only one who had witnessed them. Nobody else. So they didn’t count.

Why was he even here?

With time people left, slowly, one after another, giving their condolences to Tony, who accepted them with a forced smile and red eyes. In the end only Rhodes stayed behind andMorgan was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she was inside, still not quite understanding what was going on. She was only five, after all.

Stephen, on the other hand, understood too well and hid himself away at the back of the house, not keen on making conversation with anyone. The only one he wanted to talk to was Tony. And only so he could tell him how utterly sorry he was. A small pile of firewood served as a makeshift chair, inviting his tired body to rest.

“I know you.” Stephen looked up from studying his hands as he heard the small voice. Of course Morgan had found him, clever as she was. He wanted to smile but he couldn’t and so he kept staring at her. She cocked her head, studying him. “You are dad’s magic wizard.”

He nodded. “I guess I am.”

And little Morgan—little, trusting Morgan—crawled into his lap, leaned against him, her face hidden in his neck, and yawned. Stephen automatically circled his arms around her, securing her position on his lap, so she wouldn’t fall. “Mommy is not coming back, is she?”

He could feel wetness against his skin. “No,” he answered simply, not knowing what to do. How did one talk to a child? How did one talk to a child _who had just lost a parent_?

“Daddy said she saved us all.”

“She did. Your mom was so, _so_ brave. And she loved you so, _so_ much.”

A trembling hand found its way into brown curls, while he pressed his cheek against her head, tears pooling in his own eyes. Stephen Strange shouldn’t be allowed to cry, but he did, with this little girl in his lap, stroking her hair with shaking hands, careful not to tangle his fingers in the strands.

That was how Tony found them about half an hour later, tears still running down Stephen’s face, but his voice even as he talked to a nearly asleep Morgan, his hands still in her hair, soothingly petting it.

  


**4.**

What Stephen didn’t expect was the tentative friendship he would form with Tony. Not after everything he had done. But Morgan had taken a liking to him and had dragged her father along. Which meant that Stephen spent a lot of time at the lakeside house and in turn Tony and Morgan visited him a lot at the Sanctum. Wong was delighted to have the child around—and Stephen was too if he was honest. Morgan was a breath of fresh air, always laughing, sharp minded, and very much determined that her dad and Stephen became friends.

And so he found himself at the party for her seventh birthday, entertaining her with simple magic, mostly figures born out of light. They danced around in the air, followed by the cloak, which made Morgan squeal in delight and clap her hands excitedly, until the thick garment wrapped around her in an imitation of a hug. Even Peter sat there with her, wide-eyed at the display of magic, with his aunt snickering in the background and taking pictures.

Tony had warmed up to him in the last two years and sat comfortably next to him, making light conversation, the occasional quip thrown in over greasy pizza and too much cake. Stephen found that he really enjoyed himself.

While the kids played at the lake, the adults had their occasional drink, May and Christine staying sober and keeping an eye on the little troublemakers. Even Tony had a bit of wine, touching glasses with Stephen and Rhodes—who had asked him to call him _Rhodey_. It was all very cosy and warm and Stephen was happy that he was part of this life. Two years ago, he wouldn’t have thought that any of them ever wanted to speak to him again, but here he was. He smiled.

In the evening, after everyone had left, Tony asked him to stay. Stephen obliged, feeling rather satisfied with how the day had turned out, comfortably sitting on the soft living-room couch, while Tony tucked his daughter in. She was quite knackered after this exciting day and all the presents and love that had been stowed upon her. Stephen could get used to the light in her eyes and her laughter. And her weight when she sat down in his lap, her small back pressed to his chest, while she was munching on a piece of cake.

“The little squid is tucked away safely. Was out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillow.” Tony sauntered back into the living-room, two glasses of wine in his hands. He gave one to Stephen as he sat down on the couch as well, their knees touching. “Thank you for coming, I know you don’t have much time, and it made her day. She was so happy to see you.”

Stephen smiled into his glass, not quite daring to meet Tony’s eyes. “Well, can’t leave my biggest fan hanging now, can I?” He replied softly and took a sip.

The hand on his knee came as a surprise and he looked up, putting his glass away, meeting Tony’s eyes. The man looked a bit unsure, his own glass on the table now. “I have to say, I think _I_ am your biggest fan.”

Stephen was speechless. He just kept looking at Tony, the heat of the other man’s hand seeping through the fabric of his trousers, making him uncomfortably aware of the touch. He averted his eyes. “How could you?” He whispered, his throat feeling tight. Unbidden memories dragged themselves to the surface of his mind, his eyes burning with tears that threatened to show themselves. How could Tony say this? It was unacceptable.

“Because,” Tony started and then there were fingers nudging at his chin, making Stephen look at Tony again, his eyes meeting warm, brown ones, “you saved us all.”

“I killed her.” He didn’t need to specify, he knew Tony knew. Everyone knew.

“No.” Surprise coloured Stephen’s expression at the simple word, but he kept his mouth shut. “She sacrificed herself because she wanted to. Pepper was an … incredibly strong woman and I miss her every day. But it was her choice. I know that now. And I’m sorry I was so cold to you all this time.”

Tears welled up in Stephen’s eyes, making him aware of how much he needed to hear these words from Tony. The hand on his knee squeezed gently, centering him in the here and now. He covered it with his own, trembling hand, shaking amplified by the tears streaming down his face. And he squeezed in quiet thanks.

The next thing he remembered was Tony hugging him, Stephen’s face pressed to the man’s neck, tears staining his soft, worn shirt.

  


**5.**

It had taken them some time and lots of talking to finally admit their feelings for each other. It was a tentative, new thing, uncertainty laced through it, both men not really knowing what to do. Especially Tony, who always had Pepper on his mind, thinking he would betray her by loving Stephen. And Stephen felt like he didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve Tony’s love—not when it was born out of Pepper’s death. Which it wasn’t, obviously. It was a different thing as Tony liked to remind him at every opportunity.

But Morgan—perceptive, clever Morgan—had had enough at one point. For a nine-year-old girl she picked up on adult feelings quite well. And so she had barged in on them one day, while they had been talking quietly on the porch, and had asked when they finally intended to kiss, her thin arms crossed in front of her, a stoic expression on her face.

It had caught them both of guard and scared Stephen so much that he had excused himself and all but ran away, back to the Sanctum.

Tony had found him there, all skittish and scared like a wild animal. Wong had put him on a chair in the kitchen with a spell, not intending to let him go, before he had talked to Tony. And so he did.

It had been painful for both of them, they had argued and yelled at each other, had cried and finally ended up in each other’s arms. They had decided to give it a try. Not that all that much had happened if they were honest. They had spent time together, had got used to each other’s company more and more.

And now Stephen was at the lakeside house again, he and Tony sitting close together, their legs touching, their hands intertwined. Tony was always so careful with Stephen’s hands, scared he would hurt him. And Stephen appreciated his caution, smiled at him gratefully, and brushed his thumb gently over Tony’s palm.

Tony shot him an uncertain look, a soft smile on his face. They were still so careful around each other, it made Stephen’s heart ache. As if they were afraid to break the other, but they both knew they couldn’t. Not after everything they had been through. Not after Thanos. Not after Pepper’s death, which they never avoided talking about. It had happened and they had accepted it.

“She would have wanted this for us. Pepper, I mean.” Tony’s voice was distant, his eyes now on their joined hands. “I told her about you. You know what the first thing was that she said? _Protecting our reality sounds incredibly lonely if he can’t share it with anyone._ She was always so empathic. She told me that she wanted us to become friends if you had still been alive at that point. Of course that was after I told her everything that happened on that space donut and Titan. You are one of the few people who didn’t treat me like shit and she picked up on that immediately. God, I miss her so much.”

Stephen didn’t know what to say to that, so he just squeezed Tony’s hand reassuringly and scooted a bit closer, hoping to convey the comfort he was offering with this small gesture. He really wasn’t good at this.

But Tony understood and leaned into him, close to crawling into his lap, but he refrained from doing so. Stephen wished he would have done it anyway. He would have loved to wrap his arms around Tony, to hold him close, press his face into that soft, greying hair. Maybe kiss it. God, they have never kissed, but they both felt it would be too soon, despite dancing around each other for the last two years.

And the Tony turned his face up to him from where it was resting on Stephen’s shoulder. “Kiss me, please? I need it.”

Stephen did. He couldn’t deny Tony his request, even if it was born out of mourning and not out of love. He still grabbed that pretty face with both of his trembling hands, framing it, before touching his lips to Tony’s. He could feel the tremors of his unsteady finger reverberating through the skin of his lover, while their mouths moved against each other, eyes falling shut.

When he next opened them, there were tear tracks on both their faces.

  


**+1.**

Stephen wasn’t entirely sure this was a good idea. His brain was constantly repeating _abort mission, abort mission_ , but his body refused to follow the lead. He was sure Tony could tell that he was nervous, from his tense shoulders to his rigid pose, nothing was natural while they sat here at the edge of the lake, watching Morgan swim, Peter, Harley, MJ and Ned keeping an eye on the twelve-year-old.

It hadn’t been a spur of the moment decision. Stephen had thought about this for a long time, had talked about this with Christine and Wong. Not with Tony, though. Now looking at it, he probably should have done that. But now it was too late.

Tony scooted closer, their legs touching, concern evident in the way he looked at Stephen. And Stephen wondered, once again, how he deserved this man’s love and affection after all the things he had done. After all the pain he had caused. But there was only understanding and pure adoration in those eyes. Not as much as Tony had bestowed upon Pepper when she was still alive, but Stephen never expected to reach that level of love from the man next to him.

“What’s on your mind, Merlin?”

The immediate respond that sprang to mind was _nothing_. But Stephen caught himself and looked at Tony, all open and vulnerable, because he had vowed to never keep any secrets from him ever again. And instead all that came out was, “ _you_.”

Tony cocked his head, his eyes questioning. And that was his cue, Stephen thought and took a deep breath, before falling to one knee in front of Tony. Tony’s eyebrows shot up and his eyes went wide. It was such a _Tony_ expression it made Stephen smile.

He got out that little box he had purchased ages ago and flipped it open. A simple ring sat in the middle and when he presented it to Tony, his hands didn’t shake for once. They were as steady as at his best neurosurgeon days. “I know,” he began and had to swallow and take a deep breath, “that you still love her. And that you probably don’t want to marry again, because you had your happily ever after ripped away from you. But I still want to show you that I am serious about this. About _us_. Tony Stark, I love you so much it makes my heart ache every time I look at you, it makes me want to touch and hold you, it makes me want to kiss you every chance I get. And … and I would be incredibly honoured if you wore this ring for me. We don’t need to get married. I don’t expect it of you. But I still want to show the world that you are mine, even if it’s only our small world. I want to show you how much you mean to me.”

His hands still didn’t tremble, his whole body was still, but he was a nervous mess deep inside, while he waited for Tony’s reaction. He really should have talked to him about this. You talked to your partner about these things and didn’t just throw them at them, right? Stephen was so bad at this, was completely out of his depth here.

But Tony took pity on him, kneeling down next to him, his hands covering Stephen’s. And then he leaned forward and pressed their lips together, sweet and short and everything Stephen needed at this moment.

“I would love to,” Tony whispered against his mouth, tears glistening in his eyes. “I want to wear it.”

And if they were both crying in each other’s arms after Stephen put the ring on Tony’s hand, none of the people in the lake said anything about it. Even though Stephen was sure he saw MJ elbowing the boys quite rudely.


End file.
